Every now and then I get an itch to listen to some good ole Southern Gospel music. It takes me back to when I was a child at the Assembly of God church in Dardanelle. Sometimes those old hymns can hit me in a place that modern music just can’t touch. Power in the Blood, Victory in Jesus, I Surrender All, Blessed Assurance–you know the ones.
I spent a lot of time going through those old hymnals, but never while everyone was singing. I knew them all by heart at an early age and song time was spent humming or singing to myself while I played on, under, and on top and with the pews. My mom was the pianist, so I sat with my grandma and her crew during “song service.” When I was able to sit still I would watch the choir and the song leader. I’d hear John Parker say, “Page 106–Heaven’s Jubilee.” He’d step back away from the microphone and sing, moving his fingers in the air like he was directing the Tabernacle Choir.
But on this particular drive home, a song came on that struck me so hard I felt like I had been transported back in time to the mid 1980’s. I could see everything so vividly–the maroon carpet, the wooden pews, my grandma’s light blue dress, my mom sitting upright at the piano. I could smell the old church and the mix of perfumes that had been sprayed on before walking out the door. I could walk in that old building right now and tell you where nearly every person sat during service. That song was “Leaning on the Everlasting Arms.”
If you’ve never heard it and don’t want to watch the video, here are the lyrics:
What a fellowship, what a joy divine
Leaning on the everlasting arms
What a blessedness, what a peace is mine
Leaning on the everlasting arms
Leaning, leaning
Safe and secure from all alarms
Leaning, leaning
Leaning on the everlasting arms
What have I to dread, what have I to fear
Leaning on the everlasting arms?
I have blessed peace with my Lord so near
Leaning on the everlasting arms
Leaning, leaning
Safe and secure from all alarms
Leaning, leaning
Leaning on the everlasting arms
I’ve heard it a thousands times in my life, but I had only thought about the lyrics some of the time, and never since my grandma’s death. I could see her sweet face as clear as day–eyes closed, hands raised in the air, body swaying to the beat of the music, and hitting every word on cue. She wasn’t just singing that song, she believed every word.
And I don’t remember a time when she didn’t live every word. Good parents and grandparents don’t let their young children feel the stressors that the outside world bring down on them. When my mom and I had no place to go, they opened up their house to us. They weren’t well off, but she leaned on Jesus. When my grandpa quit going to church, she didn’t lose faith in him–she leaned on Jesus. She leaned on Jesus when their daycare couldn’t stay open any longer. She kept leaning when my grandpa got Alzheimer’s and couldn’t remember who she was. She leaned on Jesus through her own bout with that disease and never stopped until her life ended and he took her in his everlasting arms for good.
I know as we get older we idolize our parents and grandparents. Sometimes it takes too long for us to realize their worth. I know she wasn’t perfect, and I’m sure there are things she thought, said, or did that she regretted. But, like many others her age, she grew up picking cotton in the Bottoms before she was 10. Her mother died young, putting the burden of raising a large family on her older sister. Her husband lost an eye getting ready to fight in Vietnam. This life wasn’t particularly or uniquely hard, but it wasn’t a stroll down Easy Street either. There were plenty of times she could have abandoned her faith. I’m not sure she ever even questioned it.
Undoubtedly, there are thousands of other people who can tell the same stories. Many had exponentially tougher lives and maintained the faith. The ultimate example is the archetypical story of Job in the Old Testament. But, I’m thankful I have a personal example which I can cling to and remember. Even though my mom and dad have always remained faithful, it is my grandma that I always come back to when I stray away from the Lord. Her devotion and unwavering commitment to her God and her family have always been the anchor which keeps me from going too far.
The reason I am writing this blog post is so that I can unpack some of these feelings in my heart and mind. I don’t talk about it much, but those close to me know that I have always struggled with the concept of faith. If you remain steadfast and strong while trusting and believing in God, you give him praise when the “good things” happen. You do the same and explain it away as God’s will when the “bad things” happen (or the good things don’t). I’ve always felt that is a built in kill-switch. Things happen the way they happen whether you have faith or not.
That’s a post for another day. I’ve spent a lot of my adult life trying to figure out the why. It’s something we all think about from time to time. Why does an all loving God allow so many bad things to have? Why doesn’t an all powerful God use his power to keep people from suffering? What makes a relationship with God unique if every person can have it? I’ve stopped thinking about the why. “Farther along, we’ll know all about it.” What I’ve been struggling with lately is the how.
How do so many people rely completely on faith? When things are looking dark and dreary, how do you face those burdens and “let go and let God?” Our instinct is to pull ourselves up by the bootstraps and tread through problems when they come our way. We stress and worry but in the end we keep going. How do Christians face their problems head on and give God all the praise when things work out? How do they keep believing when God’s will seems to be continued suffering?
It may sound like I’m not a Believer, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m a work in progress and I believe God’s grace and mercy allows for us to ask questions and try to make sense of his supernatural existence. I believe the unique relationship between us and our Savior doesn’t have to be rosy and tidy. I’m sure I’ll never find the answers to these questions as long as I’m on Earth, but I’m hoping to one day learn how to deal with the why.
If it wasn’t for the reckless and unbridled faith of a little lady named Betty Sue Adams, I would have lost all hope a long time ago. And for her, I am blessed and thankful.
Yelco State of Mind 